Setting boundaries is the personal skill that no one likes but everyone needs. When it comes to protecting our mental, physical, and emotional wellbeing, knowing which types of boundaries to set is crucial.
Do any of these things sound familiar? You often find yourself feeling overwhelmed by your to do list. You have a hard time saying no to others. At work, you often take on projects and tasks that aren’t your responsibility or job. You try to squeeze too much into one day. You often hold back your personal feelings to avoid conflict or confrontation.
If any of that sounds even vaguely like your life, you might be in need of some boundaries my friend.
But don’t worry- I’m going to walk you through what you need to know.
I’d argue that everyone alive has had to figure out how to set a boundary at one point or another in their lives. And I won’t lie, it can be uncomfortable and feel awkward. But doing it is truly one of the best things you can do for your life.
So let’s go over the different types of boundaries you might need to put in place, and how to set them!
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1. Work boundaries
I put this one first on the list because I feel like it’s the most overlooked. When people think about setting boundaries, work isn’t usually what comes to mind. But it is DEFINITELY a place that most of us need to create some lines in the sand.
No matter your career field, how many hours you work, or your individual job role, there will always be room to set some boundaries to protect your mental and emotional wellbeing.
If you’re in a corporate environment, for example, it can be easy to let others put extra work on you, gaslight you in certain situations, or even go over your head. For me and many others, corporate environments can lead to quick burnout, feelings of being walked all over, and an absolute lack of work/life balance.
Even if you’re self employed, boundaries are still crucial. When you own your own business, it is exciting to have the authority and control to make decisions, but can also lead to being a people-pleaser and taking on too much for the sake of the business succeeding.
And if you work in another type of role, there are still so many situations that require some boundaries. Coworkers that don’t respect you, bosses that ask too much of you, toxic workplaces, and so many more situations.
If you have a job, you gotta have some boundaries. It’s just a must-have.
How to set work boundaries
To set work boundaries, it’s best to pick something to start with. What is a work-related situation that overwhelms you? Is it a particular coworker that drains your energy? Is it your endless to do list that just keeps growing?
Identify one area that could be improved, and come up with a plan of attack. Maybe you express with your boss that you’re feeling overwhelmed. Or you say no to the optional overtime. Maybe you take the PTO that you need without letting others make you feel guilty for it.
It can be awkward to start, but once you take that first step, creating work/life balance will become so much easier!
2. Family boundaries
Ahhh family- the people who know us best, yet can be the hardest to be honest with. Why is this type of boundary so hard to set?
When it comes to family, setting the boundary will depend on your unique situation. Here are a couple of common types of boundaries that need set in family situations:
- Time spent together: Limiting time spent with certain family members
- Topics of conversation: Whether it be limiting or excluding discussing certain topics (like politics, religion, or just the uncomfortable topics)
- Physical contact: Limiting physical touch for you or your children with family members (this is becoming more common as we’re learning how important it is to teach children about body autonomy!)
- Emotional sharing: Setting limits on what and how much information you share with your family members
- Financial boundaries: Setting limits on family’s involvement in your financial decisions.
There are of course other boundaries that don’t fit exactly within this list, but those are some common ones!
How to set family boundaries
Get better at speaking your mind. For some reason, speaking our thoughts around those closest to us can feel so hard.
I personally feel like I’m pretty good about sharing my opinions and needs with those I’m not close with, but with those who I know well, I clam up when things get uncomfortable.
It can be so difficult, but practice saying how you feel and expressing your needs. Start small, and own your feelings. If something upsets you, don’t be afraid to say it.
Approach things slowly. Everyone’s family situation is different. If your family situation leans more toward toxic, one of the best things you can do is to approach things at a slower pace.
Take your time responding to texts. Let yourself think before answering questions. Provide yourself with an ‘out’ if you’re worried situations might get uncomfortable.
Focus on what you love about yourself, and own it. If your family has a tendency to be your biggest critics rather than your biggest fans, it can be hard to be proud of yourself when you’re around them.
Making an effort to practice self love all the time can make those moments when you’re around your family a lot easier.
Stand up for others. Whether it’s your own kids, other family members, or complete strangers, learning to step in for others can be empowering for yourself.
This might look like asking family members not to kiss your kids, or sticking up for your sibling while they’re being criticized, or even offering a more positive mindset if you hear family complaining about a stranger.
3. Time boundaries
For most of us, time is the thing we don’t have enough of. (well… and money)
But how much of your time is actually being spent how you want to spend it?
Adulthood isn’t all hanging out and enjoying every moment, unfortunately. There are chores to be done, jobs to be worked, responsibilities to begrudgingly do, and a lot of other things that most of us wouldn’t do if we didn’t have to.
Simply put- we all have to spend some time doing things we don’t want to do, but have to do.
BUT most are also spending time doing things we both don’t want to do AND also don’t have to do.
How often are you saying ‘yes’ to doing things you wish you could pass on? Helping allll your friends move, taking on another project, or even just attending events you don’t have the time for.
There are several negatives to not setting time boundaries, but here are the two worst ones in my opinion:
- By always making time for others, we often neglect spending our time doing what WE want to do.
- By giving and giving our time, and always saying yes, we’re depleting our emotional batteries. We’re running ourselves to empty and not leaving any time to fill back up.
How to set time boundaries
The process of setting time boundaries is simple. Take a look at your schedule, and figure out what is overwhelming you. If it helps, write out what a normal week might look like for you.
Now take note of which things you have on the list that you don’t want to be devoting so much time to.
There will of course be things that you can’t completely cut out (chores, paying bills, working, etc.). But there might also be some things that you CAN cut back on, or maybe delegate to someone else.
For example, if you’re spending 12 hours/week cleaning the house and your family isn’t helping you out, express your overwhelm to them and ask them if they can help out more so that some weight can be taken off of your shoulders.
If you’re going out with friends 3 nights/week but are feeling emotionally drained, try setting the boundary of going out only 1 night/week and using the other two nights for some much-needed self care.
Setting boundaries is so important, and this type of boundary has such a big impact on our lives.
4. Relationship boundaries
When talking about types of boundaries, we have to talk about relationships.
Relationships have the power to overtake us. If we aren’t careful, we can be consumed by them. This could be romantic relationships, friendships, or really any type of relationship that we put a lot of energy into.
One thing that many people struggle with in relationships is losing their autonomy and independence. And that’s not because they set out to do this. It can happen without us realizing.
When we love someone, we often want to do everything in our power to see them happy and to take care of them. This can sometimes cause us to start sacrificing our own needs for the sake of theirs, or putting our feelings on the backburner in certain situations.
I have personally done this, and I know many others how have too.
Relationships can be tricky, especially romantic ones, because a healthy relationship can be so beneficial for us. But at the same time, if we aren’t intentional about keeping our boundaries, things can pile up quickly.
How to set relationship boundaries
When you’re setting boundaries in any relationship, there are a few different areas to make sure you’re covering.
Your need for alone time. Whether it’s a friendship or a romantic relationship, make sure you have some alone time. With romantic partners especially, it can be easy to spend all of your time with them. I mean after all, you’re probably with them because you love their company! But doing this will leave you depleted at one point or another. Make sure to get your alone time and frequently.
Your need to be your own person. This kind of goes along with your need for alone time, but make sure you are still your own person outside of the relationship! Have your own hobbies and interest, make your own friends, keep yourself growing. Relationships are truly better when both people get to be their own wonderful individuals, and then can still come together and love each other.
Expressing your needs. Most of us are taught as children that it’s the polite thing to do to sacrifice your needs for the needs of others. But in reality, that just leads to resentment and burnout. It’s of course okay to be there for others when they need it. But if doing that means putting your own needs on hold 100% of the time, then you’re entering dangerous territory. Learn to express your needs to don’t drop everything to be there for everyone else.
Being honest about your feelings. If you’re a people pleaser like me, you know it can be easy to swallow our feelings to avoid conflict. But just like neglecting your needs, holding in your feelings can lead to big time resentment, and just quite frankly isn’t fair to you. Learn to speak your mind and own your thoughts. You will feel so much lighter, trust me.
5. Personal boundaries
Boundaries aren’t just for other people! After all, do you act the way you know you should 100% of the time? Probably not.
We’re human, and sometimes we make mistakes.
Sometimes, setting boundaries with ourselves can be the hardest types of boundaries to set, but it’s often the first one we should attempt.
Once we learn to make hard calls to protect our own wellbeing, it becomes easier to set these boundaries in other places.
This might look like keeping yourself from spiraling about bad news, or working on your self-discipline, or limiting your screen time.
Learning to see what kinds of negative things we are allowing ourselves to do, interact with, think, and believe, and then making an effort to change that is such an important part of living a better life.
How to set personal boundaries
Recognize your toxic habits. I talk about toxic habits in this blog post, but if you want to improve your life, cutting out bad habits is a great place to start.
When setting boundaries, this might look like recognizing when you’re about to engage in a bad habit, and stopping yourself from going forward.
Learn to let others’ opinions roll off your back. Okay this one is much easier said than done. But a boundary that everyone needs to set is being able to not be as negatively affected by the opinions of others.
There will always be someone who doesn’t like you or a negative comment that comes your way. That’s unfortunately how life and people are. But being able to say ‘nah, I know who I am, their opinion means nothing’ is such a powerful thing.
Give yourself frequent self care. One of the most important things you can do for yourself is to fill your own cup. And once you begin to practice self care as often as you should, you begin to see the other areas of your life where you need to inject some self care too.
In other words, once you begin to live life with a full cup, you start to more clearly see the areas of life that are emptying your cup in the first place, and can learn to set boundaries in those areas.
Setting these types of boundaries is crucial for a healthy mindset. Without boundaries, we leave ourselves vulnerable to burnout, unfair treatment from others, emotional fatigue, strained relationships, and so much more.
Once you know the right types of boundaries to set, like the ones above, you can begin to get started actually setting them.
I hope this post has helped point you in the right direction!
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